my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
