you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
