My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
