we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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