Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
