We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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