Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
