I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
