Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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