How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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