i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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