She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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