The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
