just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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