He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
