I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
