I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
