I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
