I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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