when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
