I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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