at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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