I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
