hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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