What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
