I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
