I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
