Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
