i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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