That's intense
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
