My liver just broke up with me...
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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