I want to stick my p in your. b.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
