sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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