Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
