wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
