he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
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