your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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