meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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