just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
