Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
