If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
