need another drink. this is the easiest way
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
