my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
