moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
