i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
