dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
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