I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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