Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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