I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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