Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
