I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
