my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
