dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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